i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
