She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this boner is exhausting
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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