I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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