From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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