It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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