I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
