So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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