Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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