Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We need to get me chipped asap
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
