would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
