we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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