We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
