but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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