apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
