i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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