Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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