The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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