it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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