Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He did a backflip because drugs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
