I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
