can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
