She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I need to stop coming to work sober
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
They are going to name an STD after you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
