i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
