i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
