The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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