my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
