WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
