He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize