Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
