call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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