I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
