He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
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He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize