you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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