you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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