So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
