I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
