Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
