By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
