I accidentally had phone sex last night
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
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