this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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