i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
