I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
