dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
