I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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