I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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