I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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