just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
