she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
