We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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