The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
