so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
