I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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