Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
