I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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