like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
