dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
