The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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