My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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