I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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